Monday, 4 June 2012

It's not much fun being Queen

It’s not much fun to be a queen
Born to reign or simply breed
Unveiling plaques and naming ships
Attending really boring galas
Photos on the palace steps
With potentates and Dalai Lamas

It’s not much fun to be a queen
Living in a draughty palace
Minding all your P’s and Q’s
Keeping strictly off the booze
Learning how to play one’s part
and not to belch out loud or fart

It’s not much fun to be a queen
With butlers, maids and fawning footmen
Pipers waking you at dawn
(just because one’s ‘highly born’
they think you like the highland skirl
and porridge served on silver platters
Shooting grouse and stalking deer
Presenting prizes at regattas)


If I were queen I’d make life fun
By looking after number one
Throw all-night parties for the plebs
And execute the Sloanes and Debs
And put a tax on awful things
Like gastric bands and bingo wings
Declare that it’s a major crime
To download tunes by Jedward Grimes
I’d give up all the turgid stuff
Enjoy myself and make life tough
for hangers-on and boring farts
‘Sod off ’ to all of them I’d say
‘I want to stay at home today…….
And shop online …..
And eat junk food …..
Get smashed to bits .....
and run round nude ….
and skateboard in my Royal Parks….
Tell dirty jokes ….
and swear ….
and shout…
and kick the bloody corgis out…
I’d buy myself a motor bike
And go to bed just when I like
I’d make sure that my subjects knew
If I were queen just what I’d do.

© Marcus Colquhoun

The Queen's diamond jubilee parties and pageant in pictures

Marcus Colquhoun writes poetry and is a member of the Ward9Writers group (Co.Mayo, Ireland)

3 comments:

  1. A tax on bingo wings? That would sort out the economy quickly enough! A fun poem - I enjoyed it. It reminded me of the 'when I am old I shall wear purple' poem.

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  2. Yes! Very funny and clever poem - I wouldn't be the queen for quids :)

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  3. Yup, I would not be queen either, I can't imagine how dull some of the things she endures must be.

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